"Are you dead?"

"Are You Dead?"...truly amazing revelations. Send £5 to AfterLife Inc; PO Box 6445 London. Back in the 1980's, during the dying days of extended lunch hours in the advertising industry, B.Bazzley and I used to spend many a liquid hour (or twenty) in a pub near Warren Street thinking of novel ideas to pay off the bar bill. The idea was simple: for this jolly high-yield wheeze, we'd take out a small ad in Prediction Magazine, a specialist journal for those deeply into things mystical, astrological and other strange things going bump in the attic (including trapped roofing contractors). Then with each fiver coming in, we'd send out the following mailed return: On the Front Cover, a repeat of the proposition: "Are You Dead?". Inside......

"NO...but here's a list of people who are..." Julius Caesar, Winston Churchill, Edward VI, Emily Pankhurst, Dr Crippen, George Washington, Karl Marx....and so on.

This idea also led us onto ways you could "put the fun back into funerals". Go faster stripes on the sides of coffins. A revving two-stroke engine mounted on the back. Messages from the dearly departed concealed in a specially mounted CD player on the coffin lid, berating the assembled mourners for not singing "Jerusalem" with sufficient gusto. Either that or issuing a loud digitally-remastered burp during the middle of final prayers.

And attending your own wake.

The Celestial Bank is mentioned elsewhere in this edition. This was one of the introductory offers.

"Make sure you open your account now and when you finally pass over you will be able to "...talk to each invited mourner at your wake, enjoy the buffet, the wine, the endless remember-when stories, even drop mischievous hints about the contents of your will...all through your very own Celestial Bank approved medium. You'll be able to discover first hand what people really thought about you. Will you be deeply missed? Then again,, why has your parting become the subject of such unbridled celebration, joy and happiness? At last, you'll learn the ever-lasting truth about your so-called friends and fawning relatives, and in your next life, by opening a separate "Pay Back Time" flexi-account, you can earmark any of their vile ancestors to receive as much abject misery and plagues of locusts as your Celestial Bank high-yield account can fund over not just one, but several lifetimes..."

Sponsored tombstones: that was another idea. And as a marketing medium, it really stands the test of time (!). On the back of the stone, a simple message "Thanks to Sun Life Assurance, I leave my family's future in safe hands." For real impact, have a neon light display each time someone walks past with their dog. With every laser-controlled trigger, a sprouting plastic daisy display gently pushes up and a recorded message from the deceased recommends X-Y-or Z Life Policy Company. For the true death entrepreneur, there are so many opportunities.

Funerals at sea. Simply stick an outboard motor on the back of the coffin and off it roars.You could actually hold coffin races, helping to offset funeral costs and providing welcome, much needed entertainment for all the families of the bereaved.

Race 1: Uncle Bert versus Mrs Parslow, Uncle Silas and Gerald (Duke) Cadogan.

"And off they go. Much-Loved Uncle Silas in the Frederick Death & Co Ltd coffin is streaking into the lead, closely followed by Merry & Co's Lightweight Beech Coffin containing Mrs Parslow's mortal remains. Once Awesome Uncle Bert seems to be having engine difficulties...oh no...the coffin has developed a leak. It's sinking. Gerald (Duke) Cadogan in the Gently Funeral Company's streamlined mahogany coffin just manages to avoid a collision. Oh dear me, more calamity up front of the field. Much-loved Uncle Silas has ploughed straight into a Buoy. Mrs Parslow's mortal remains are heading unchallenged towards the chequered flag... Mrs Parslow's mortal remains win! Bravo! What an astonishing victory... "

The other great thing about coffin racing, whether on land or sea... there's a limit to how far health & safety can become involved for fairly obvious reasons...