Ever wondered why some people are born "with a silver spoon in their mouth"?

(with acknowledgement to the genius and wit of James Sherriffs who's idea it was in the first place). This question has puzzled ordinary people for centuries. Paris Hilton is a prime example. The hideous American air-head-heiress popped out of a gold-plated womb straight into billions of dollars of inheritance. The answer? In 1615, old Jack Hilton, a vagrant and a rather useless pickpocket from the village of Lesser Beeding in Somerset, opened a high-interest savings account with The Celestial Bank. Some 200 years later, Cedric Nathaniel Hilton was born into an extremely successful bed and breakfast business in St Ives, Cornwall. He too carried on the family tradition and also opened an account with the Celestial Bank - The Premium Gold version offering an additional 15% interest over base rate. It is his shrewd investing with the Celestial Bank that has given us the world-wide chain of Hilton Hotels. And Paris Hilton. Who, believe it or not, is old Jack Hilton reincarnated and having a ball in his new female I'm-a-dizzy-blonde-bimbo impersonation. Shame about the drink-driving conviction and the spell in prison. One of his standing orders must have been processed late.
So how does it work? During your life on earth, you contribute as much cash as you can spare into your secure after-life savings account.On the moment of death, account holders are given a number of future surrender options: 70 years: you can return to Earth as the offspring of a moderately wealthy couple living in your choice of suburbia...private education, honours degree, and a guaranteed job with long lunch hours in a major city bank. Wait 150 years and you'll go to Eton or Cheltenham Ladies College...or Harvard...and end up in a future Government in some cushy number with a whole variety of tax-free residences. Discreet extra-marital affairs are also thrown in as part of the package. For an extra few pounds invested a month, you can also enjoy the financial benefits of an automatic publishing contract for your forthcoming Diaries. For 250 years, you can choose to come back as a future Saudi Arabian Prince or one of Sir Paul McCartney's heirs with zillions of dollars having quietly accumulated over centuries. You won't just have a silver spoon in your mouth, you'll have an entire solid silver tea set. So how do you apply for your account? Simply log onto thecelestialbank.com....or get in touch with your local Celestial Bank Authorized Medium. You'll find them in most wacky astrological magazines or wandering round the High Street trying to flog you sprigs of lucky heather.